Mystery Hot Girl, Marriage and Me
This happened almost a year ago but my Christmas present to myself this year is to tell you all about it so you can laugh at/with me.
One time, I was looking to spend some extra cash because my wallet was getting too overcrowded and I decided to go spend an afternoon in Mall of Asia. I forgot why I was there, I was probably meeting with a fellow animator or something, but what does it matter, because that’s not the point. The point is: I was sipping lattes in Starbucks smoking, cogitating and totally minding my own business when all of a sudden this really hot chick took the table next to mine. I knew I had to talk to her, so I took a deep breath and approached her. Then I asked her if I could borrow the newspaper on her table because I’m smooth like that. She said it wasn’t hers anyway so I took it and walked away. Yeah, that’s how I flirt. No wonder I’m single. I thought I might as well read the newspaper because I had it now anyway and all the while I beat myself up inside my head because of how stupid my approach was.
A few minutes later, she walked up to my table and told me, “Hi, I don’t know you but I want you to father my children.” I choked on my coffee. Then she put her hands impatiently on her hips and asked, “Well?”
I probably misheard the first part of the question because she wasn’t really asking to have sex with me. Yeah, she was just asking if we could exchange cigarettes. She was smoking a different brand, I was smoking a different brand, she wanted mine, so on and so forth. I gave her one of mine and she gave me one of hers and then I said, “I would’ve just given it to you if you asked for it.”
And oh my God, she looked back at me, gave me the cutest smile I have ever seen in my life and then I died. The end.
I mean, who does that? Was she into me? Who asks to exchange cigarettes with a total stranger, that is, of course, if she wasn’t the least bit interested in me in the first place? Oh well. I’m only like this because half my friends and relatives are asking/pressuring me about marriage. I’m 22 years old ! What the hell, right?
My grandmother asked me when I was planning to get married. Then she proceeded to tell me about how one of the younger guys in the community (he’s 19) is married with kids now. She was all, “Look at Ace, he’s got a wife now,” and I was all “Yeah? Well, I have a future.”
Then two of my friends became a couple and some of my other friends told me I’m getting left behind. I told them, “I don’t think having a girlfriend means moving forward in life. Look at you, you’ve been with your boyfriend for almost a decade and you’re more miserable than I am.”
I’m single, yes, but I secretly don’t want to be single but I also secretly don’t want to be in a relationship. It’s like a chapel inside a hospital. The place saves lives but it makes space for the possibility that sometimes, it can’t. I know, it’s a horrible analogy but it’s the closest one I could think of.
For the record, I am not going to get married until I reach the ripe old age of 30 and I’m a millionaire. So next time you feel like asking me, why don’t you go f*cking die in a hole.