This happened almost a year ago but my Christmas present to myself this year is to tell you all about it so you can laugh at/with me.
One time, I was looking to spend some extra cash because my wallet was getting too overcrowded and I decided to go spend an afternoon in Mall of Asia. I forgot why I was there, I was probably meeting with a fellow animator or something, but what does it matter, because that’s not the point. The point is: I was sipping lattes in Starbucks smoking, cogitating and totally minding my own business when all of a sudden this really hot chick took the table next to mine. I knew I had to talk to her, so I took a deep breath and approached her. Then I asked her if I could borrow the newspaper on her table because I’m smooth like that. She said it wasn’t hers anyway so I took it and walked away. Yeah, that’s how I flirt. No wonder I’m single. I thought I might as well read the newspaper because I had it now anyway and all the while I beat myself up inside my head because of how stupid my approach was.
A few minutes later, she walked up to my table and told me, “Hi, I don’t know you but I want you to father my children.” I choked on my coffee. Then she put her hands impatiently on her hips and asked, “Well?”
I probably misheard the first part of the question because she wasn’t really asking to have sex with me. Yeah, she was just asking if we could exchange cigarettes. She was smoking a different brand, I was smoking a different brand, she wanted mine, so on and so forth. I gave her one of mine and she gave me one of hers and then I said, “I would’ve just given it to you if you asked for it.”
And oh my God, she looked back at me, gave me the cutest smile I have ever seen in my life and then I died. The end.
I mean, who does that? Was she into me? Who asks to exchange cigarettes with a total stranger, that is, of course, if she wasn’t the least bit interested in me in the first place? Oh well. I’m only like this because half my friends and relatives are asking/pressuring me about marriage. I’m 22 years old ! What the hell, right?
My grandmother asked me when I was planning to get married. Then she proceeded to tell me about how one of the younger guys in the community (he’s 19) is married with kids now. She was all, “Look at Ace, he’s got a wife now,” and I was all “Yeah? Well, I have a future.”
Then two of my friends became a couple and some of my other friends told me I’m getting left behind. I told them, “I don’t think having a girlfriend means moving forward in life. Look at you, you’ve been with your boyfriend for almost a decade and you’re more miserable than I am.”
I’m single, yes, but I secretly don’t want to be single but I also secretly don’t want to be in a relationship. It’s like a chapel inside a hospital. The place saves lives but it makes space for the possibility that sometimes, it can’t. I know, it’s a horrible analogy but it’s the closest one I could think of.
For the record, I am not going to get married until I reach the ripe old age of 30 and I’m a millionaire. So next time you feel like asking me, why don’t you go f*cking die in a hole.
It’s over. My life is saved. I got the fourth and last anti-rabies shot and the sun is shining and my sinuses are clear and the flowers are yellow and my fingernails are clean. The downside: I’m not a werewolf (or a were-dog). Oh well, at least I still have more time to write nonsense about Rocket Powered Stuff from around the world.
Also, Happy Holidays to all.
Read. Rocket. Powered. Stuff. Forever.
Have you ever seen ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ by Al Gore? One of my professors back in film school made me watch it and I have to admit it was pretty convincing. Yeah, if you’re a stupid narrow-minded idiot who jumps at conclusions based on second-hand information! Ha!
Last November, the UK’s top climate research facility, the University of East Anglia Climate Research Unit was breached by an unknown identity where tons of information including e-mails and documents were leaked onto the Internet exposing possible corruption of AGW (Anthropogenic Global Warming) data. Apparently, the earth is not warming up. It’s actually cooling down and so the brilliant scientists at CRU decided to do a little “trick” to meddle with the findings a little bit in order to maintain the current global warming hysteria.
Excerpt from one of the e-mails: “I’ve just completed Mike’s Nature trick of adding in the real temps to each series for the last 20 years (ie from 1981 onwards) amd from 1961 for Keith’s to hide the decline.”
Anyway, I have come to the conclusion that humans and their CO2 emissions are not causing climate change, therefore the whole idea of AGW is a massive lie. Here’s the thing: as far as I’m concerned, climate change is a natural phenomenon. In case you haven’t noticed, the climate is always changing and therefore reducing our carbon footprint because of it is big bag of bullshit. So why do the Western overlords want the whole world to believe this whole ‘man-made’ global warming agenda? And how the hell does this issue affect ordinary people like you and I?
There’s a lot of possible motives, actually, although I don’t want to discuss those. I only want to discuss why this issue matters (if at all) to us.
Firstly, the people who live in highly developed countries, i.e. the First World, all seem to advocate AGW and the ‘going green’ movement. A lot of corporations have invested millions in reducing their carbon emissions and an entire industry was built around it. In fact, these same countries, with the help of the UN Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), have restricted the less developed countries of the world to use industries which might worsen global warming. In simpler terms, the First World is preventing the Third World from achieving any industrialization and progress all for the sake of environmental awareness.
Well, I’m being unfair. The First World isn’t really preventing progress in the Third World. In fact, they’re all for it, I think. That’s why they want these poor countries to use renewable sources of energy to fuel their operations instead. The cruelty arises from the fact that renewable energy like solar and wind power are very expensive. So basically, they’re telling dirt-poor people that they can’t have electricity unless they buy expensive and unreliable technology. So they’re not 100% cruel. They’re probably just 90% cruel. You know what, thinking about how people in Africa are dying in hospitals because medical equipment cannot function without electricity, I think it’s more like 98% cruel. So yeah.
Secondly, I just hate the fact that science have been corrupted by politics to the extent that they’ve resorted to falsifying, modifying and generally manipulating observed data. Science is the only thing I believe in and now I’m finding out it does not really transcend politics. It’s just so disillusioning. Anyway, moving on…
I’m not saying you guys should now start “lootin’ and pollutin’” (obscure cartoon reference ftw) just because global warming is a hoax. We should still take care of our environment. All I’m saying is that we shouldn’t hinder other people’s lives just because a bunch of whales or polar bears are dying. Last time I checked, human life is more valuable than any of those endangered species combined.
In conclusion, global warming is real. It happens. The earth heats up. It’s all natural. But thinking that humans are behind it and that we should then let the rest of the world live a Stone Age-esque existence because of this belief means you’re a Nazi and you deserve a horrible, painful and slow death. Not convinced? Google “climategate”.
I wonder how Richard Gutierrez, Mr. I’m-the-Philippine-Environmental-Champion, would comment about this. Meh, what does it matter? He’s just a pretty face reading from an idiot board.
AGW is not cool, but you definitely are, so learn more facts first before making any judgment, and continue reading my blog for more Rocket Powered Stuff from around the world!
I don’t believe it. I’ve had plenty of people greet me “Happy Thanksgiving Day!” today. You people do realize that the Philippines don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, right? If I remember correctly, there were no pilgrims, indians and turkeys in our history. Why don’t you guys re-channel your misplaced holiday spirit and save it for a more relevant holiday like, oh I don’t know, Bonifacio Day on the 30th. I’m surprised the people so eager to celebrate an alien holiday doesn’t even bother to greet fellow Filipinos “Happy Bonifacio Day!”
So advanced Happy Bonifacio Day to you, and continue reading my blog for more Rocket Powered Stuff from around the world!
Hi everybody! It’s Friday the Nov. 13th and you know what that means? That’s right: tons of bad luck for us mere mortals. My bad luck moment this particular Ft13 involves 4 angry dogs, 3 fingers, 2 shots and a trip to the hospital. Yep, I was mauled. Well, not really. 4 dogs were having a fight, and I stupidly tried to play human referee. (For future reference: when dogs disagree, let them sort it out themselves. Don’t try to help. At all.) As a result, my right hand got bitten pretty bad. Two of my fingers (thumb and middle) got lacerations, with the middle one having 2 so it was considered severe. My forefinger had a deep puncture wound right on the tip. The rest of my hand were full of minor scratches. Don’t even ask why I used my hand to stop the dog fight. Seriously, don’t ask. The picture shows my thumb and forefinger. They were bleeding a lot earlier, but I tied up my wrist to help slow it down.
I went to the hospital to get anti-rabies and anti-tetanus shots. The doctor told me I need 2440 IUs/12.2 cc of E.R.I.G. which is the main anti-rabies vaccine. Rabies doesn’t have treatment, unfortunately, so everything needs to be pre-emptive. They told me once the symptoms begin to occur, there’s really nothing anybody can do. Ultimately, I’m gonna die. To make matters worse, the doctor told me that if I die, I’m not going to be resurrected as a werewolf. He said he was 100% sure of this. Too bad.
I still need around 4 more shots over the course of 30 days. I also need to hope none of the dogs who bit me suddenly end up dead because my soul is now linked with them through some sort of black magic. If they die, I die. I’m not even kidding. That’s what the doctor said. Really.
Rabies is deadly so it’s not Rocket Powered. So don’t get bit and hope I’m still alive to write about more Rocket Powered Stuff from around the world!
Some guy replaced all the sound effects in Half-Life 2 with his own voiced sound effects. Some of the sounds are hilarious like “pew pew pew” and “vrooom” and “bang bang” and “fwooosh” and “clank” and “bzzt” and so many more. I’m happy somebody some where in the world has way more free time than myself to create something as funnily useless as this. God bless the world.
Remember that time when you heard the news that the country has achieved the title of being the “texting capital of the world” and felt tearfully proud about it? Me neither. Really more on the feeling tearfully proud part than on the remembering part. Because seriously, with all the media buzz about it you have to be living under a rock, in a cave, remotely on one of our 7100 islands while being a complete catatonic vegetable under the influence of either meth or Biogesic or both, to have missed that glorious day when news programs announced the Philippines’ Biggest Accomplishment since Rizal. It was a big deal, you get the picture.
I’ve never even been a fan of text messaging, not because I prefer calling, but mainly because I think it’s dumb. There was a time when I used to wake up to at least ten messages in my phone, 3 of them telling the same joke, 1 telling the same joke but with different characters, 2 being bitter love quotes, 2 being sweet love quotes, and the last 2 reminding me about Globe’s promos. It was the best wake up feeling in the world.
Well, it’s not a surprise because the Philippines is generally a dumb country (Oooh controversy!). Come on, sure we churn out probably 1 genius for every 100 babies born but the intellectual abilities of that genius baby gets nipped in the bud by overbearing parents way before he or she reaches puberty. Don’t get me wrong, I like this country as much as the next French tourist and all for the same reasons, too: the scenery. I only like the Philippines because it looks beautiful. That’s it. Would I die protecting our natural beauty? You bet! Would I die protecting the horde of ignorant bystanders I pass by on the street everyday? Only if they were really sexy. But I digress.
I came across a report on The New York Times saying that texting makes people dumb. I will now demonstrate the consequences of these findings on our country using simple n00b logic.
Texting = Dumb People.
Philippines = Texting Capital of the World.
Philippines = Dumb People Capital of the World.
“The act of texting automatically removes 10 I.Q. points,” said Paul Saffo, a technology trend forecaster in Silicon Valley. “The truth of the matter is there are hobbies that are incompatible. You don’t want to do mushroom-hunting and bird-watching at the same time, and it is the same with texting and other activities.”
What the hell happened? How did we become that Dumb Country? Well, between the government leading us on a downward spiral towards an abyss of rubble and a culture reinforced by promoting unoriginal imitating media, I think it’s a toss up, really. Okay, enough talking about the problem, let’s talk about a solution.
Let’s see, what can a person like me, a reasonably attractive twenty-something middle class semi-professional person, do to help solve this problem? I know, why not write a blog post about it? It’s what any other reasonably attractive twenty-something middle class semi-professional person would do too, right? I mean look at what good we’ve done the country so far. We have made the government turn their back against their ungodly and fairly stupid methods of governance. The world has been set right. No, wait, it hasn’t. Blogging protests over the Internet is pretty much the equivalent of trying to make ripples in a frozen pond. (Making this post a cross between hypocrisy and irony… Hyporony? Irocrisy? No good.)
Hmm so what other options do I have? Well if protesting over teh Internatz isn’t cutting it, the next possible way would be to go march through the streets in a rally. Yeah, it’s the first thing that came to my mind, too! It’s such a brilliant idea. I’m sure the government would be stirred if we make a paper mache likeness of PGMA and set it on fire in front of the Palace. I mean, it worked the last 342 times, didn’t it? No? It didn’t? Damn.
So can we just follow the media’s, my mother’s and the government’s method of solving problems, then? Yeah let’s just throw the blame around. It’s the Americans’ fault. It’s Erap’s fault. It’s the MILF’s fault. There, I feel much better. Don’t you? Everyone feels better after a good blame-game session. I guess that’s why we’re also one of the happiest people in the world. Ignorance is bliss. Uhh wait, wrong platitude. Philippines is bliss. Perfect.
Have you ever been to that point in your life when you think you just had too much. There’s so many things that need to be done you just wish you were a kid again when the bulk of your responsibilities was just playing with your toys and probably the occasional chore.
Well, I have. And after much thought I decided that the best possible way to approach this growing problem is to just get rid of it. Be reckless. Do whatever you want. Abandon responsibility.
Think about it. Without your responsibilities, you no longer need to worry about keeping a stable job to pay the rent or put food on the table. You no longer have to worry about gaining weight or losing weight. No more thoughts about deadlines, budgets, bills and all those other crap which do nothing but complicate your life. Quit your job! Squander your savings! Simplify life!
Lose all the stuff you thought you need like the television, the radio or the washing machine. Throw away your cellphone! Delete your Facebook and Yahoo accounts! Be the man that nature intended you to be, the hunter-gatherer kind of man which doesn’t worry about education, social responsibility, human rights or any other of those garbage!
Your responsibilities are only adding more weight to your increasingly tired and stressed out mind. Without responsibility there would be no problems, so abandon responsibility today!